We read Wonder, the novel by R.J. Palacio, out loud to my two oldest kids (second grade and kindergarten boys) these last few weeks. We finished yesterday. In case you've somehow missed it, it's about a boy with severe "craniofacial abnormalities" (so, he apparently has a very unusual appearance) who has never been to school before, but suddenly starts middle school. The novel covers his first year of school and what happens to him there. I thought it was a great book. Maybe not 100% realistic, but believable enough and very good. Not only because my kids appeared to enjoy the story, but because I thought it provided some insight into bullying, being different, and what it means to be human. And we were able to have a few good discussions about it. My kindergartener might be a little young to absorb much from it at this point; on the other hand, he sometimes surprises me with what he picks up on. My oldest I think is starting to understand the complexity of friendships and social interactions more; I think he was able to gain a little perspective.
Anyway, I digress. The point was, I liked the book, thought it was a good read for all of us, and so I thought other families might enjoy it too. So I shared briefly about it on Facebook.
And I got some supportive comments. Some "we liked that book (or movie) too!" comments. Some "Oh yeah we should definitely do that too!" comments. Some passive "likes" or "heart-reactions" that must convey some level of agreement. Some comments from teachers or other educators (I know quite a few) who have read it in their classrooms.
And the vast majority of people who read that status update ignored it. Which is totally fine. It's not going to be for everyone.
But, and perhaps this was a coincidence... later in the day I started seeing a variety of memes popping up about how we are "raising a generations of wimps" and "bullying will always be around so teach your kids to stand up for themselves instead of being victims" etc etc. One from someone who has, in the past, informed me that I can't expect people to cater to my allergy kid's needs. (Which is annoying on several levels, but mainly because I do NOT expect that, by the way. I just find it unbelievably nice when people voluntarily do. But anyway. We won't hop down this particular rabbit trail today.) I think the thought was that I need to make him "strong" enough to deal with not getting what all the other kids get because the world won't cater to him. (Which is again ridiculous, he definitely already knows that.) Anyway, the message I'm getting here from this person is that kindness (or food allergy accommodation) is seen as "weak".
That is such a bunch of... words I won't write here... that I don't even know where to begin.
Why on Earth would anyone think kindness is the weaker attribute?
I will tell you right now, it takes great personal strength to be kind. I have three children. I can tell you that while they can, naturally, be kind to each other, they can also (quite naturally) be complete and utter jerks to each other. They lack impulse control, and their impulses are often selfish and kind of mean: "I'll take this toy you want," "I'll get more candy than you." (They can also be nice, of course- they often spend some of their birthday money on toys for each other, for instance). To be kind, they've got to override their natural selfishness and see the big picture: that ultimately, life goes more smoothly if your siblings are happy, too. They see this more clearly as they get older, of course.
Adults are this way too. It's one thing to be casually polite to people you interact with; this is common sense and makes your life easier. It's another thing to be deliberately kind to someone who is maybe not being so nice to you. Or isn't being anything to you at all. We rarely put our own selves in uncomfortable situations simply to be kind to someone else. (I mean I'm not saying this never happens- obviously I can think of plenty of exceptions- but I don't think it's the norm.) Most of us aren't mean or bad people- we just don't willingly put ourselves into uncomfortable situations to help someone else, at least not very often. Those who do it more often seem to have found there's often there's a 'feel-good benefit' from being in that 'uncomfortable situation' - being thanked or appreciated for their effort, for instance.
But it does take effort. It takes effort to go out of your way to be nice to someone. It's even harder when they're actively making things hard for you. Being kind to someone in the face of meanness, from others or the person themselves, is one of the hardest things, across ALL ages, for people to do.
And so I have no idea why you would say that teaching kids to be kind (because I do believe you have to actively teach it) makes them weak. A generation of "wimps".
No it doesn't, random internet meme creator. Actually, teaching them to be kind makes them strong. Teaching them to be kind makes them more powerful. Teaching them to be kind is teaching them to make the unselfish choice that might not get them any immediate benefit but will develop their strength of character immensely down the road. Teaching them to be kind gives them a position of power that won't be immediately recognized but will reap all sorts of rewards in the long haul. And who knows? It may also help someone who is otherwise drowning. It may reap more benefits than beyond just themselves and their immediate situation. Kindness can stop a bully. Kindness can empower a person.
This does not mean you have to roll over and take it if someone is being mean to you. But standing up for yourself and being kind to other people are not opposite solutions to the same problem; they are two different solutions that can be applied simultaneously to a problem if needed. Learning how to deal with problems without moving into attacking someone else is a much better way to avoid "raising a generation of wimps" than a bunch of eye-for-an-eye, tit-for-tat scenarios.
I didn't leave any comments for the meme-posters. They don't care what I have to say anyway, and Facebook feels sort of useless / hopeless as a place for actual thoughtful discussion. They've got me pegged as a snowflake, and that's fine with me. Better a snowflake than a jerk, after all. Maybe some day we can engage about this issue in real life. In the meantime, I will keep teaching my kids to be kind. I guess we'll see how it all works out eventually.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Friday, January 19, 2018
Motherhood, Friendship, Faith
My three greatest struggles in my life. Probably the three things that define me the most, as well. Or maybe the three things I define myself with?
For pretty much my entire motherhood journey so far, I have been trying to be a better mom.
Less strict. Less yelly. More savoring of moments. More enjoying the kids, instead of stress over mess and slightly-less-than-ideal behavior.
It's been better at times and worse at times. It's obviously hugely tied to my anxiety and how strong that is at any given time.
It's interesting, because I can't really even figure out what it is that I get anxious about. I do tend to catastrophize over potential illnesses or health conditions, but I've gotten decently good at talking myself down off those ledges over the years. Clutter and mess make me anxious, but at least that I have some control over and I can make my family help with that more and more as they get older. Overall I'd say my house is generally cleaner in the last two years than it has been (on average) at any time at all before, basically because I've got more useful tools that make it quicker, and because of things we've done to the house (aka the Giant Kitchen Remodel, or room reorganizations) that make it more functional. So it's not just the clutter, although we have a long way to go before I'd consider it "clean". In general, I'd say my kids themselves are good, or at least average-to-good, in terms of their behavior, in public and at home. Well, maybe not the two-year-old. But she'll get there. Anyway, I feel like they are good kids (who are going to have Tons of Issues as adults from being "overparented" by yours truly). So I don't think they are really the "problem" here either.
It's possible I'm just very bad at identifying my own issues.
I seem to have issues with friendship, too. It's interesting. As a child, teen and even young adult ( heck probably all the way through college) most of the people I wound up close to eventually told me they had tried to be friends with me for awhile (prior to us actually becoming friends) but that I was not friendly, or did not reciprocate their efforts. It honestly happened enough times that, as a young married woman with no close friends in the immediate area, I tried to be intentional about changing that.
At first it was relatively easy, my husband had some friends from his high school days who were mostly childless and recently married like us, and we all just sort of fell into a group.
Then people started having kids (including us) and since we all lived all over town, and it's harder to get together the more small people you add to the mix, the group just sort of fell apart. It was okay, though. We were all very different people anyways, and it's not like we're not still in touch or don't like to see each other. We just don't hang out in a big group anymore.
But being a young mom, even one who works, left me very desperate to connect with other women, particularly other moms. At first I mostly read blogs. Hung out with a few coworkers (when schedules allowed) who had similarly-aged kids. I like these women a lot. But a lot of the time, I was sort of lonely.
Then my oldest started school and it was SO GREAT. I connected with a few ladies who were in a similar stage of life. One moved away. But one is still here, and she's the best. I've slowly gotten to know other moms whose kids are my kids' friends. I've enjoyed it. But this part is hard. I seem to struggle with figuring out when I'm being friendly and encouraging (the opposite of my former self!) or just pushy and annoying. I mean, it's quite possible that people just don't WANT to be friends with me. Which is cool, I have enough self confidence not to take it personally. But I don't want to bother people if they'd rather keep their distance.
I think my other issue is that I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. It's hard to make friends in our church because 1) we don't go often enough (It's so hard with little kids. We're up to like 1-2x a month though!) and 2) I hold back. My issues with church are complicated, but basically, I am just waiting for the church to tell me I don't belong there. It's happened too many times since my teenage years for me not to KNOW it's coming. While my faith in God is actually quite strong, I don't really trust the "Christian Machine" (as described by Jenn Hatmaker) not to spit me out the second it realizes that I might occasionally (okay more than occasionally) causally swear, am politically more liberal than conservative, and I don't think gay people are this big abomination that we need to fear and ostracize. So, in order to not go through the pain of being spit out, I just don't dive fully in. Have you seen the movie Saved! ? It has Mandy Moore in it, back when she was young enough to play a high schooler. My "test" as to whether or not another Christian would "get" me, is whether they think that movie is hilarious or offensive. (Hint: I'm camp "Hilarious." With a side of "Also very true."). And I honestly suspect people who find it offensive are so far into the "Christian Machine" that they can't see the reality in that movie. In my life, I meet more Christians who were offended than who love it.
But I can't pretend for my secular friends that I just don't have faith, or that I think babies are literally nothing before they're born, or that I haven't seen evidence of God working in my life, everywhere. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump is a mindless sheeple. (I think most of them struggled with very real issues and made a hard choice. But the ones who actually think he's a great person and a great choice for President- well, let's not go into what I think about them. I don't know very many.) I don't think it's simple-minded to have religious faith (if I see one more Facebook post about magic sky friends I'll probably throw my phone), or that people who believe in smaller governments are automatically racist, classist, selfish, climate-change-denying, gun-toting weirdos. Nor do I think those on the other end of the spectrum are whiny snowflakes who want a handout. Maybe it's just our political climate these days, because even though I don't care what someone else thinks and feel that, most of the time, we should be able to be friends without seeing eye-to-eye on all issues, I'm positive anyone I even slightly start to get to know, will judge the heck out of me. Or that there's no point in trying to be friends, because they won't actually want to be close to me once they know more about me. I realize this makes no sense. It's just how I feel.
So here I am. Praying (really praying, not metaphorically) that I could figure out how to connect with a few more moms I know and admire, hoping I could be a better mother because of their influence. Praying I can figure out how to be a better mom before my kids grow up. Or are scarred for life. Also praying I could find some sort of church home that I was sure wouldn't spit me out, yet also follows the Bible. (Yes, I've heard of Universalist churches and I LOVE the concept for people who want the community without the Bible part. But I like the Bible part. And I know some denominations are better at this than others. But the few we've gone to in our area have had their issues too.)
I hope I find all these things one day. But until then, I'm happy with who I am. Most of the time.
For pretty much my entire motherhood journey so far, I have been trying to be a better mom.
Less strict. Less yelly. More savoring of moments. More enjoying the kids, instead of stress over mess and slightly-less-than-ideal behavior.
It's been better at times and worse at times. It's obviously hugely tied to my anxiety and how strong that is at any given time.
 |
| I took this picture this morning with my big camera, using the wifi shutter remote on my phone. It looks like a sweet moment and I guess it really was. But it's because she's sick, not because she wanted to cuddle me or because we just sit around like this all the time. I didn't realize she was sick at first, and was frustrated with how clingy she was... until I decided to take pictures and make the best of it. |
It's possible I'm just very bad at identifying my own issues.
I seem to have issues with friendship, too. It's interesting. As a child, teen and even young adult ( heck probably all the way through college) most of the people I wound up close to eventually told me they had tried to be friends with me for awhile (prior to us actually becoming friends) but that I was not friendly, or did not reciprocate their efforts. It honestly happened enough times that, as a young married woman with no close friends in the immediate area, I tried to be intentional about changing that.
At first it was relatively easy, my husband had some friends from his high school days who were mostly childless and recently married like us, and we all just sort of fell into a group.
Then people started having kids (including us) and since we all lived all over town, and it's harder to get together the more small people you add to the mix, the group just sort of fell apart. It was okay, though. We were all very different people anyways, and it's not like we're not still in touch or don't like to see each other. We just don't hang out in a big group anymore.
But being a young mom, even one who works, left me very desperate to connect with other women, particularly other moms. At first I mostly read blogs. Hung out with a few coworkers (when schedules allowed) who had similarly-aged kids. I like these women a lot. But a lot of the time, I was sort of lonely.
Then my oldest started school and it was SO GREAT. I connected with a few ladies who were in a similar stage of life. One moved away. But one is still here, and she's the best. I've slowly gotten to know other moms whose kids are my kids' friends. I've enjoyed it. But this part is hard. I seem to struggle with figuring out when I'm being friendly and encouraging (the opposite of my former self!) or just pushy and annoying. I mean, it's quite possible that people just don't WANT to be friends with me. Which is cool, I have enough self confidence not to take it personally. But I don't want to bother people if they'd rather keep their distance.
I think my other issue is that I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. It's hard to make friends in our church because 1) we don't go often enough (It's so hard with little kids. We're up to like 1-2x a month though!) and 2) I hold back. My issues with church are complicated, but basically, I am just waiting for the church to tell me I don't belong there. It's happened too many times since my teenage years for me not to KNOW it's coming. While my faith in God is actually quite strong, I don't really trust the "Christian Machine" (as described by Jenn Hatmaker) not to spit me out the second it realizes that I might occasionally (okay more than occasionally) causally swear, am politically more liberal than conservative, and I don't think gay people are this big abomination that we need to fear and ostracize. So, in order to not go through the pain of being spit out, I just don't dive fully in. Have you seen the movie Saved! ? It has Mandy Moore in it, back when she was young enough to play a high schooler. My "test" as to whether or not another Christian would "get" me, is whether they think that movie is hilarious or offensive. (Hint: I'm camp "Hilarious." With a side of "Also very true."). And I honestly suspect people who find it offensive are so far into the "Christian Machine" that they can't see the reality in that movie. In my life, I meet more Christians who were offended than who love it.
But I can't pretend for my secular friends that I just don't have faith, or that I think babies are literally nothing before they're born, or that I haven't seen evidence of God working in my life, everywhere. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump is a mindless sheeple. (I think most of them struggled with very real issues and made a hard choice. But the ones who actually think he's a great person and a great choice for President- well, let's not go into what I think about them. I don't know very many.) I don't think it's simple-minded to have religious faith (if I see one more Facebook post about magic sky friends I'll probably throw my phone), or that people who believe in smaller governments are automatically racist, classist, selfish, climate-change-denying, gun-toting weirdos. Nor do I think those on the other end of the spectrum are whiny snowflakes who want a handout. Maybe it's just our political climate these days, because even though I don't care what someone else thinks and feel that, most of the time, we should be able to be friends without seeing eye-to-eye on all issues, I'm positive anyone I even slightly start to get to know, will judge the heck out of me. Or that there's no point in trying to be friends, because they won't actually want to be close to me once they know more about me. I realize this makes no sense. It's just how I feel.
So here I am. Praying (really praying, not metaphorically) that I could figure out how to connect with a few more moms I know and admire, hoping I could be a better mother because of their influence. Praying I can figure out how to be a better mom before my kids grow up. Or are scarred for life. Also praying I could find some sort of church home that I was sure wouldn't spit me out, yet also follows the Bible. (Yes, I've heard of Universalist churches and I LOVE the concept for people who want the community without the Bible part. But I like the Bible part. And I know some denominations are better at this than others. But the few we've gone to in our area have had their issues too.)
I hope I find all these things one day. But until then, I'm happy with who I am. Most of the time.
Friday, June 16, 2017
Starting With a Rant
It seems a little odd to open my blog with a rant about something. But since I've been blogging for so long, it seems silly to start off with some sort of contrived "about me". You either already know me, or... you don't. And if you don't, I'm sorry! I'm not this grumpy all the time, I swear. I just use blogging for therapy and this has been on my nerves lately. It took me longer than anticipated to get this space up and running and so this has been building...
Let's talk about MLMs. Multi level marketing companies. Sometimes known as "Pyramid Schemes" (although they aren't all working under that model) or "Direct Sales." You know. The modern day Tupperware party. Your friend gets "in" to something... diet drinks (oh, I'm sorry, "Health Drinks"), stick-on nails, makeup, essential oils, cleaning products, leggings... etc etc... and the next thing you know they are their own "small business" and your social media (and direct contact, if you're particularly unlucky) is drowning in the near-constant pushing of their product. Or worse, you start getting to know someone (or reconnect with someone) and are excited about the possibility of a new friend / connection... only to realize their actual interest in you is primarily based around selling you stuff.
On one hand, I GET IT. As a mom, all I can think is that I need to find a way to work from home. Especially when my kids are sick. (I've blogged about this before). And that's coming from someone who has a decent paying career (and medical benefits) in a job I truly enjoy. But once you have a family, it gets tricky, and so I get why half my Facebook friends are hawking stuff, from oils to makeup to pink drinks to cleaning products to leggings to nails to I DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW, COULD YOU JUST UPDATE ME ON YOUR LIFE WHICH I AM ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, AND NOT YOUR EFFING EYELASHES / PINK DRINK / BUTTER LEGS.
I understand the need. I just have a few (eight) problems with the whole concept of the MLM. In reverse order of annoyingness:
1) I highly doubt many of them are making THAT much money for it, if they actually did the math on ALL the costs they incur, plus what they miss out on by not having healthcare benefits and 401k options, etc. I mean, a few of them probably really are doing decently well. I have a few friends who are doing great, so it would seem. But the majority... not so much. Social Media saturates the market really quickly on these things, so there's a good chance by the time you've heard about the product, so have 10 other people in your social circle. Which brings me to point number two...
2) I literally have FOUR friends trying to sell Younique, FIVE hawking various brands of essential oils, three selling Norwex, two selling Rodan and Fields, three selling Plexus (I hate Plexus most of all right now), etc etc. The number of people selling the same stuff has allowed me a crystal-clear window into the different companies' marketing practices, which I have to say, are kind of sketchy and are probably my most disliked thing about "direct sales" companies to date, which leads me right into point number three...
3) I'm honestly starting to wonder if some of these people think I am dumb. Or that all their potential customers are dumb. I literally saw a Rodan and Fields post about the amazing tanning cream that had it done on one leg and not on the other. The leg that was supposedly tanned with their stuff was clearly IN THE SHADE. The other leg was clearly IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT. You could SEE THE SHADOW LINE between their legs. I mean really. At first I was willing to write it off as one person's really bad idea, but then another person popped up with the same thing... just a different pair of legs. Are. You. Kidding. ME?! So, clearly, the company is in some way suggesting or promoting such stellar sales pitches to their members. At the best, the "before' shot is always in terrible light with a low quality camera, and the after is always them at their best. I've literally never seen a technically sound comparison in these before / afters.
4) And then there's downright sketchy or over-exaggerated claims that can't be verified- or are turning out to be downright lies when they are verified. The biggest offender that I can see in the first category is Plexus. Plexus is making my eyes roll so hard I can practically see my brain on a regular basis. They claim to be an "all natural" "clinically proven" source of prebiotics, probiotics, energy, etc and are loosely a diet / health concoction, yet ultimately these products are powdered who-knows-what that (the company won't say). (Never mind that there is NO research done on this whatsoever outside of the company itself- and it was recently the focus of multiple lawsuits, including one about false claims of naturalness, to which the end result was them having to revamp their product to remove a ton of the unnamed, unknown crap in it. Unclear if that's actually happened yet or not.) They are all about their freaking pink drink. Now I will say, I agree with some of their marketing in theory in that gut health is super important... but if you want an all natural, actually clinically proven source of nutrition, energy, and probiotics... make yourself a smoothie and put some plain greek yogurt in it. You can buy some nice probiotics online if the yogurt strains aren't enough for you! I literally make a smoothie for my entire family every morning and here is the recipe in its entirety: banana, avocado, almond butter, plain greek yogurt, spinach, raw local honey, frozen fruit (usually a berry blend) and water. I'm pretty sure its cheaper than Plexus and we all feel pretty good starting our day that way! Bonus: it's also pink.
5) Essential Oil companies have some skeletons in their closet, too. Now, a quick positive: clearly they don't encourage nearly as annoying business practices from their salespeople as some of the other companies, because of the multitudes of people I know selling either Young Living or DoTerra, literally only one has been annoying about it (and hey, I unfriended them, so no harm done). But still. In talking with a local essential oil "expert" at a local natural grocery, I learned quite a bit, easily verified online. Not the least of which is that essential oils have been around for-EVAH, and long before Young Living and DoTerra showed up. They didn't invent this stuff, they just claim to do it better- based mostly of their so-called "purity" and not using any "synthetics". Both Young Living and DoTerra claim to have exceptionally high "purity standards" in an industry that is entirely unregulated on such things- meaning they are not regulated, either. So far as I can tell, that is their justification for their sky-high prices (which are really my only problem with the company). Unfortunately, there's quite a few stories out there indicating they don't even meet their own so-called "purity standards". A quick google search can find tons of sources on that. Short version for those who don't want to click: Their products included synthetics in independent lab tests. Oops.
6) I have a pet peeve when someone joins an MLM company and then calls it a "small business." It's one of those 'letter of the law but not the spirit of the law' things. I guess it's technically a small business, but I think there should be another name to differentiate it from the primary definition of a small business... you know, the kind you start yourself and absorb all costs from the ground up (and do your own freaking marketing)... not buy a kit from a company, whether or not your kit comes with a "business license." Maybe it could be a called a "Direct Sales Business". An at-home business? Just don't try and equate it to my friends who actually started their own successful small businesses. IT'S NOT THE SAME.
7) I'm also highly bothered that their primary clientele are their friends and they post GUILT TRIPS about how should be supporting them being home with their babies, and blah blah blah. One Facebook spam post actually tried to say you should buy their MLM makeup instead of that from a makeup counter because you would be "supporting a small business owner and her family" instead of "Sephora." WHAT. THE. CRAP. Is the girl at the Sephora makeup counter not worthy of support as well? Maybe she has a family to feed and just wanted a job, with, you know, actual healthcare benefits. How is buying from my guilt-trippin' friends and thereby supporting the Corporate Younique company any different than buying from the Sephora counter and supporting Corporate Sephora? Guilt as a sales tactic is another huge turnoff to me. Also- while I have amazing friends whom I love, I don't recall any of them financially supporting me through my graduate schooling in order to have the career I have now. And I would not have wanted them to! (Actually, I suppose a few may have bought me food when we went out when I was too poor for such things...). So... why is my financial support required for their career? Why do I have to be guilted into buying stuff I don't want in order to "support a friend"? Which leads me to...
8) My "Grand Finale of Annoyingness"... my most disliked thing about MLMs... and, for sure, the inspiration for this post.... is the whole concept that people selling it MAKE MONEY OFF THEIR FRIENDS. By either directly selling to them, or having them host parties, or whatever. Dude. That's just so... tacky. I mean, people are really cool with taking their friends' money? (Casual acquaintances, sure. I realize most people have a lot of casual-contacts on their Facebook feed.) If I had my own business (and I can now say I hope to have my own photography side business one day) I would do everything I could to HELP MY CLOSE FRIENDS with my business... not make money off them. I currently have doled out all sorts of speech therapy advice, at no charge, to people I know well (and people I barely know), because they ask me "Is this NORMAL?" in regards to something about their kids' development (I seriously get these requests from people often). I am happy to do this. I am so glad something I know can help someone. When I had a close family member who needed a service that I was literally the best and most qualified therapist in our community to provide, I did it on my own time out of love. If I do one day get my photography business up and running, you can bet any pictures I take of close friends and family are either free or they are paying me in chai tea lattes and cookies. Perhaps this will make me a terrible business owner. So be it. That's why I have a career already.
So now that you've read all that, I'm sure you will be Facebook Unfriending me, stat, especially if you are in the "direct sales" industry. I can't really blame you, I'd be pretty ticked at me if I read all that too. Before you go, you should know that half the reason I am so annoyed about it is due to the excessiveness of the posts I see. That isn't any one person's fault, you all can't help the market is fully saturated for these sorts of products. I know that. I know I could just unfollow you and be done with it, and I've had to do that a few times, but if I haven't done that to you yet, it's because I probably actually do like you and am interested to see updates from you: your kids, your family, your school, your pets. YOU. Not your skin care and your makeup and your leggings. (Even if they do feel like buttah.)
The solution, in my mind, is simple, and I beg all direct sales people to consider it: start a social media page for your business. Share WHATEVER YOU WANT THERE. Sketchy marketing? Hey, if that's how you want to run your business, you do you- why put that stuff on your personal page and risk tarnishing your relationships with people? It's hard for me to be interested in forming / maintaining relationships with people who would try to pull tricks like the one-leg-in-the-shade tanning cream ruse. Maybe just save that stuff for the people who are interested enough in the product to be willing to look past it? By all means, share your business page on your personal page every once and awhile (more than once a month is unnecessary, truly). Those who are interested can follow your business page, or stalk if they prefer anonymity. You'll know what the interest level is among your friends by how many likes you get. (And let that be a guideline to how much you want to keep sharing, lol). Keep the business and the personal separate-ish. Your friends appreciate it. Even the ones who are supporting you. Trust me on this.
And please, notice that- with the exception of Plexus- I don't really have anything negative to say about the MLM products themselves. You know what? I genuinely like Norwex products even if I'm not impressed with the company's pricing-up to encourage parties (but for pete's sake, buy the E-cloth mop, it's the exact same thing and so much cheaper!). I often use DoTerra essential oils- I like their blends. The idea of non toxic nails is at least mildly interesting to me (the designs are certainly cute) and I'm sure the leggings really do feel like butter- I do love me some comfy pants. The products are not the problem, most of the time. I just really, strongly disagree with a few huge components of the MLM business model (selling to friends) and sketchy marketing tactics (guilt, spam, false / exaggerated claims). And if I like the product, and want it, then HECK YEAH I will buy them from my friends! Of course I will. This rant may not show it, but I actually do care about, and want to be supportive of, my friends. I try to be as generous as I can be with my money. I also share their information with anyone else I encounter who expresses interest.
I'm just really sick of the constant guilt trips, and spam. Add a dose of sketchy corporate behavior and a pinch of questionable marketing strategies, and it's all bit much for me. And I don't think I'm alone in this mindset.
Let's talk about MLMs. Multi level marketing companies. Sometimes known as "Pyramid Schemes" (although they aren't all working under that model) or "Direct Sales." You know. The modern day Tupperware party. Your friend gets "in" to something... diet drinks (oh, I'm sorry, "Health Drinks"), stick-on nails, makeup, essential oils, cleaning products, leggings... etc etc... and the next thing you know they are their own "small business" and your social media (and direct contact, if you're particularly unlucky) is drowning in the near-constant pushing of their product. Or worse, you start getting to know someone (or reconnect with someone) and are excited about the possibility of a new friend / connection... only to realize their actual interest in you is primarily based around selling you stuff.
On one hand, I GET IT. As a mom, all I can think is that I need to find a way to work from home. Especially when my kids are sick. (I've blogged about this before). And that's coming from someone who has a decent paying career (and medical benefits) in a job I truly enjoy. But once you have a family, it gets tricky, and so I get why half my Facebook friends are hawking stuff, from oils to makeup to pink drinks to cleaning products to leggings to nails to I DON'T EVEN FREAKING KNOW, COULD YOU JUST UPDATE ME ON YOUR LIFE WHICH I AM ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, AND NOT YOUR EFFING EYELASHES / PINK DRINK / BUTTER LEGS.
I understand the need. I just have a few (eight) problems with the whole concept of the MLM. In reverse order of annoyingness:
1) I highly doubt many of them are making THAT much money for it, if they actually did the math on ALL the costs they incur, plus what they miss out on by not having healthcare benefits and 401k options, etc. I mean, a few of them probably really are doing decently well. I have a few friends who are doing great, so it would seem. But the majority... not so much. Social Media saturates the market really quickly on these things, so there's a good chance by the time you've heard about the product, so have 10 other people in your social circle. Which brings me to point number two...
2) I literally have FOUR friends trying to sell Younique, FIVE hawking various brands of essential oils, three selling Norwex, two selling Rodan and Fields, three selling Plexus (I hate Plexus most of all right now), etc etc. The number of people selling the same stuff has allowed me a crystal-clear window into the different companies' marketing practices, which I have to say, are kind of sketchy and are probably my most disliked thing about "direct sales" companies to date, which leads me right into point number three...
3) I'm honestly starting to wonder if some of these people think I am dumb. Or that all their potential customers are dumb. I literally saw a Rodan and Fields post about the amazing tanning cream that had it done on one leg and not on the other. The leg that was supposedly tanned with their stuff was clearly IN THE SHADE. The other leg was clearly IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT. You could SEE THE SHADOW LINE between their legs. I mean really. At first I was willing to write it off as one person's really bad idea, but then another person popped up with the same thing... just a different pair of legs. Are. You. Kidding. ME?! So, clearly, the company is in some way suggesting or promoting such stellar sales pitches to their members. At the best, the "before' shot is always in terrible light with a low quality camera, and the after is always them at their best. I've literally never seen a technically sound comparison in these before / afters.
4) And then there's downright sketchy or over-exaggerated claims that can't be verified- or are turning out to be downright lies when they are verified. The biggest offender that I can see in the first category is Plexus. Plexus is making my eyes roll so hard I can practically see my brain on a regular basis. They claim to be an "all natural" "clinically proven" source of prebiotics, probiotics, energy, etc and are loosely a diet / health concoction, yet ultimately these products are powdered who-knows-what that (the company won't say). (Never mind that there is NO research done on this whatsoever outside of the company itself- and it was recently the focus of multiple lawsuits, including one about false claims of naturalness, to which the end result was them having to revamp their product to remove a ton of the unnamed, unknown crap in it. Unclear if that's actually happened yet or not.) They are all about their freaking pink drink. Now I will say, I agree with some of their marketing in theory in that gut health is super important... but if you want an all natural, actually clinically proven source of nutrition, energy, and probiotics... make yourself a smoothie and put some plain greek yogurt in it. You can buy some nice probiotics online if the yogurt strains aren't enough for you! I literally make a smoothie for my entire family every morning and here is the recipe in its entirety: banana, avocado, almond butter, plain greek yogurt, spinach, raw local honey, frozen fruit (usually a berry blend) and water. I'm pretty sure its cheaper than Plexus and we all feel pretty good starting our day that way! Bonus: it's also pink.
5) Essential Oil companies have some skeletons in their closet, too. Now, a quick positive: clearly they don't encourage nearly as annoying business practices from their salespeople as some of the other companies, because of the multitudes of people I know selling either Young Living or DoTerra, literally only one has been annoying about it (and hey, I unfriended them, so no harm done). But still. In talking with a local essential oil "expert" at a local natural grocery, I learned quite a bit, easily verified online. Not the least of which is that essential oils have been around for-EVAH, and long before Young Living and DoTerra showed up. They didn't invent this stuff, they just claim to do it better- based mostly of their so-called "purity" and not using any "synthetics". Both Young Living and DoTerra claim to have exceptionally high "purity standards" in an industry that is entirely unregulated on such things- meaning they are not regulated, either. So far as I can tell, that is their justification for their sky-high prices (which are really my only problem with the company). Unfortunately, there's quite a few stories out there indicating they don't even meet their own so-called "purity standards". A quick google search can find tons of sources on that. Short version for those who don't want to click: Their products included synthetics in independent lab tests. Oops.
6) I have a pet peeve when someone joins an MLM company and then calls it a "small business." It's one of those 'letter of the law but not the spirit of the law' things. I guess it's technically a small business, but I think there should be another name to differentiate it from the primary definition of a small business... you know, the kind you start yourself and absorb all costs from the ground up (and do your own freaking marketing)... not buy a kit from a company, whether or not your kit comes with a "business license." Maybe it could be a called a "Direct Sales Business". An at-home business? Just don't try and equate it to my friends who actually started their own successful small businesses. IT'S NOT THE SAME.
7) I'm also highly bothered that their primary clientele are their friends and they post GUILT TRIPS about how should be supporting them being home with their babies, and blah blah blah. One Facebook spam post actually tried to say you should buy their MLM makeup instead of that from a makeup counter because you would be "supporting a small business owner and her family" instead of "Sephora." WHAT. THE. CRAP. Is the girl at the Sephora makeup counter not worthy of support as well? Maybe she has a family to feed and just wanted a job, with, you know, actual healthcare benefits. How is buying from my guilt-trippin' friends and thereby supporting the Corporate Younique company any different than buying from the Sephora counter and supporting Corporate Sephora? Guilt as a sales tactic is another huge turnoff to me. Also- while I have amazing friends whom I love, I don't recall any of them financially supporting me through my graduate schooling in order to have the career I have now. And I would not have wanted them to! (Actually, I suppose a few may have bought me food when we went out when I was too poor for such things...). So... why is my financial support required for their career? Why do I have to be guilted into buying stuff I don't want in order to "support a friend"? Which leads me to...
8) My "Grand Finale of Annoyingness"... my most disliked thing about MLMs... and, for sure, the inspiration for this post.... is the whole concept that people selling it MAKE MONEY OFF THEIR FRIENDS. By either directly selling to them, or having them host parties, or whatever. Dude. That's just so... tacky. I mean, people are really cool with taking their friends' money? (Casual acquaintances, sure. I realize most people have a lot of casual-contacts on their Facebook feed.) If I had my own business (and I can now say I hope to have my own photography side business one day) I would do everything I could to HELP MY CLOSE FRIENDS with my business... not make money off them. I currently have doled out all sorts of speech therapy advice, at no charge, to people I know well (and people I barely know), because they ask me "Is this NORMAL?" in regards to something about their kids' development (I seriously get these requests from people often). I am happy to do this. I am so glad something I know can help someone. When I had a close family member who needed a service that I was literally the best and most qualified therapist in our community to provide, I did it on my own time out of love. If I do one day get my photography business up and running, you can bet any pictures I take of close friends and family are either free or they are paying me in chai tea lattes and cookies. Perhaps this will make me a terrible business owner. So be it. That's why I have a career already.
So now that you've read all that, I'm sure you will be Facebook Unfriending me, stat, especially if you are in the "direct sales" industry. I can't really blame you, I'd be pretty ticked at me if I read all that too. Before you go, you should know that half the reason I am so annoyed about it is due to the excessiveness of the posts I see. That isn't any one person's fault, you all can't help the market is fully saturated for these sorts of products. I know that. I know I could just unfollow you and be done with it, and I've had to do that a few times, but if I haven't done that to you yet, it's because I probably actually do like you and am interested to see updates from you: your kids, your family, your school, your pets. YOU. Not your skin care and your makeup and your leggings. (Even if they do feel like buttah.)
The solution, in my mind, is simple, and I beg all direct sales people to consider it: start a social media page for your business. Share WHATEVER YOU WANT THERE. Sketchy marketing? Hey, if that's how you want to run your business, you do you- why put that stuff on your personal page and risk tarnishing your relationships with people? It's hard for me to be interested in forming / maintaining relationships with people who would try to pull tricks like the one-leg-in-the-shade tanning cream ruse. Maybe just save that stuff for the people who are interested enough in the product to be willing to look past it? By all means, share your business page on your personal page every once and awhile (more than once a month is unnecessary, truly). Those who are interested can follow your business page, or stalk if they prefer anonymity. You'll know what the interest level is among your friends by how many likes you get. (And let that be a guideline to how much you want to keep sharing, lol). Keep the business and the personal separate-ish. Your friends appreciate it. Even the ones who are supporting you. Trust me on this.
And please, notice that- with the exception of Plexus- I don't really have anything negative to say about the MLM products themselves. You know what? I genuinely like Norwex products even if I'm not impressed with the company's pricing-up to encourage parties (but for pete's sake, buy the E-cloth mop, it's the exact same thing and so much cheaper!). I often use DoTerra essential oils- I like their blends. The idea of non toxic nails is at least mildly interesting to me (the designs are certainly cute) and I'm sure the leggings really do feel like butter- I do love me some comfy pants. The products are not the problem, most of the time. I just really, strongly disagree with a few huge components of the MLM business model (selling to friends) and sketchy marketing tactics (guilt, spam, false / exaggerated claims). And if I like the product, and want it, then HECK YEAH I will buy them from my friends! Of course I will. This rant may not show it, but I actually do care about, and want to be supportive of, my friends. I try to be as generous as I can be with my money. I also share their information with anyone else I encounter who expresses interest.
I'm just really sick of the constant guilt trips, and spam. Add a dose of sketchy corporate behavior and a pinch of questionable marketing strategies, and it's all bit much for me. And I don't think I'm alone in this mindset.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)