We read Wonder, the novel by R.J. Palacio, out loud to my two oldest kids (second grade and kindergarten boys) these last few weeks. We finished yesterday. In case you've somehow missed it, it's about a boy with severe "craniofacial abnormalities" (so, he apparently has a very unusual appearance) who has never been to school before, but suddenly starts middle school. The novel covers his first year of school and what happens to him there. I thought it was a great book. Maybe not 100% realistic, but believable enough and very good. Not only because my kids appeared to enjoy the story, but because I thought it provided some insight into bullying, being different, and what it means to be human. And we were able to have a few good discussions about it. My kindergartener might be a little young to absorb much from it at this point; on the other hand, he sometimes surprises me with what he picks up on. My oldest I think is starting to understand the complexity of friendships and social interactions more; I think he was able to gain a little perspective.
Anyway, I digress. The point was, I liked the book, thought it was a good read for all of us, and so I thought other families might enjoy it too. So I shared briefly about it on Facebook.
And I got some supportive comments. Some "we liked that book (or movie) too!" comments. Some "Oh yeah we should definitely do that too!" comments. Some passive "likes" or "heart-reactions" that must convey some level of agreement. Some comments from teachers or other educators (I know quite a few) who have read it in their classrooms.
And the vast majority of people who read that status update ignored it. Which is totally fine. It's not going to be for everyone.
But, and perhaps this was a coincidence... later in the day I started seeing a variety of memes popping up about how we are "raising a generations of wimps" and "bullying will always be around so teach your kids to stand up for themselves instead of being victims" etc etc. One from someone who has, in the past, informed me that I can't expect people to cater to my allergy kid's needs. (Which is annoying on several levels, but mainly because I do NOT expect that, by the way. I just find it unbelievably nice when people voluntarily do. But anyway. We won't hop down this particular rabbit trail today.) I think the thought was that I need to make him "strong" enough to deal with not getting what all the other kids get because the world won't cater to him. (Which is again ridiculous, he definitely already knows that.) Anyway, the message I'm getting here from this person is that kindness (or food allergy accommodation) is seen as "weak".
That is such a bunch of... words I won't write here... that I don't even know where to begin.
Why on Earth would anyone think kindness is the weaker attribute?
I will tell you right now, it takes great personal strength to be kind. I have three children. I can tell you that while they can, naturally, be kind to each other, they can also (quite naturally) be complete and utter jerks to each other. They lack impulse control, and their impulses are often selfish and kind of mean: "I'll take this toy you want," "I'll get more candy than you." (They can also be nice, of course- they often spend some of their birthday money on toys for each other, for instance). To be kind, they've got to override their natural selfishness and see the big picture: that ultimately, life goes more smoothly if your siblings are happy, too. They see this more clearly as they get older, of course.
Adults are this way too. It's one thing to be casually polite to people you interact with; this is common sense and makes your life easier. It's another thing to be deliberately kind to someone who is maybe not being so nice to you. Or isn't being anything to you at all. We rarely put our own selves in uncomfortable situations simply to be kind to someone else. (I mean I'm not saying this never happens- obviously I can think of plenty of exceptions- but I don't think it's the norm.) Most of us aren't mean or bad people- we just don't willingly put ourselves into uncomfortable situations to help someone else, at least not very often. Those who do it more often seem to have found there's often there's a 'feel-good benefit' from being in that 'uncomfortable situation' - being thanked or appreciated for their effort, for instance.
But it does take effort. It takes effort to go out of your way to be nice to someone. It's even harder when they're actively making things hard for you. Being kind to someone in the face of meanness, from others or the person themselves, is one of the hardest things, across ALL ages, for people to do.
And so I have no idea why you would say that teaching kids to be kind (because I do believe you have to actively teach it) makes them weak. A generation of "wimps".
No it doesn't, random internet meme creator. Actually, teaching them to be kind makes them strong. Teaching them to be kind makes them more powerful. Teaching them to be kind is teaching them to make the unselfish choice that might not get them any immediate benefit but will develop their strength of character immensely down the road. Teaching them to be kind gives them a position of power that won't be immediately recognized but will reap all sorts of rewards in the long haul. And who knows? It may also help someone who is otherwise drowning. It may reap more benefits than beyond just themselves and their immediate situation. Kindness can stop a bully. Kindness can empower a person.
This does not mean you have to roll over and take it if someone is being mean to you. But standing up for yourself and being kind to other people are not opposite solutions to the same problem; they are two different solutions that can be applied simultaneously to a problem if needed. Learning how to deal with problems without moving into attacking someone else is a much better way to avoid "raising a generation of wimps" than a bunch of eye-for-an-eye, tit-for-tat scenarios.
I didn't leave any comments for the meme-posters. They don't care what I have to say anyway, and Facebook feels sort of useless / hopeless as a place for actual thoughtful discussion. They've got me pegged as a snowflake, and that's fine with me. Better a snowflake than a jerk, after all. Maybe some day we can engage about this issue in real life. In the meantime, I will keep teaching my kids to be kind. I guess we'll see how it all works out eventually.
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