International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day.

It should be said, first of all, that I have almost no idea what this means. I mean, I can infer that therefore we should CELEBRATE WOMEN! That's cool, I'm totally down with that. I mean, I am fairly awesome. Most of the women I know are. In general, worldwide, women are not always valued in various roles as much as men are. I see this an attempt to elevate them. In a rather meaningless, social-media-holiday sort of way (for the most part) but still, a worthy attempt nonetheless. (I mean, not to diss on social media too much. Obviously, I love it. I just wonder sometimes, what the POINT of everything is? What does it matter if I put a border on my FB profile picture in response to a particular day or the latest tragedy or sporting event or... I don't know. It's fun and all, it just feels meaningless. And all too often things go down political party lines and I'm just NOT HERE for that. Like we need FB picture changes to further divide us.) I'm sure there are plenty of actual in - person events to mark International Women's Day that are very worthy. I just don't know what they are.

Anyway. So. It's another Social Media Holiday! That's okay, it's a Social Media Holiday for a good cause, anyway. One we could theoretically all get behind, regardless of political party, because who doesn't want to celebrate girls?! (I realize in reality it doesn't work out like that, but that's how I think it should be.)

I felt like maybe I should be participating, you know, to elevate my daughter and myself and be a good female-empowered role model and whatnot. I mean, I like the idea of celebrating women, raising them up, making things a little more equal worldwide. Or maybe I just really like an excuse to post pictures of my daughter! Since we were home today, I took a few pictures and then posted a few online. I only tagged one (on my public Insta) as for International Women's Day, because honestly it otherwise seemed like overkill. It didn't get a lot of attention, even though I really liked it- both as a photograph, and the message. (That's pretty standard for my photos. They don't get a lot of attention).  I felt good about that contribution to a Social Media Holiday.

But then I got to thinking... is there also an International Men's Day?

Now before you get all "Black Lives Matter / All Lives Matter" on me, that's actually not what I'm trying to do here. In general I'm fine with the BLM movement; I get that they need the attention on the worth of their lives more than white people do right now, and I don't feel threatened by it. "All Lives Matter" does feel a bit whiney, like seriously, just let them have the spotlight for a bit here. So I don't think International Men's Day needs to be a clapback to International Women's Day. But, I am the mom of a little girl... and two boys. And those two boys might have been born into a world where, as white males, their odds of coming out on top are better than average. But they didn't create that world. And if I raise them right, they'll use their "power" for good, for the betterment of all people, and live in a world where things are more equal.

Shouldn't good men, doing that work, be celebrated too? Can the celebrations just co-exist as both super awesome things without one taking away from the other?!

Just as what it means to be a woman is being slowly redefined and women are seeing themselves as strong, smart, and capable in a variety of new roles, so are men. Men are seeing themselves as more involved caregivers and fathers than ever before. Men are (beginning to) see themselves allowed to be more comfortable in their emotions. Men are treating women with the respect they deserve instead of seeking power over them. The culture of toxic masculinity is slowly giving way to a more real, I would say even stronger, masculinity. I happen to think this should be celebrated as well.

So I googled, "Is there an International Men's Day?"

There is. It's in November! And apparently it's been around since the 1990's! And according to the wikipedia summary, it's about celebrating those very things I just mentioned! (Or at least that's what I got out of it. I'm just waiting for people to come along and ruin it.)

For whatever reason, it isn't much of a Social Media Holiday. Or if it is, it sure wasn't apparent in my newsfeed. Luckily, I can celebrate a day the way that I want, for what it means to me, regardless of what other people might make it out to be. So, if I should manage to remember it the next time it comes around, I'll post a picture of my boys. Because they are good boys, who are learning how to be good men. And that is worth celebrating, too.

In the meantime, here's to International Women's Day! Here's to strong women! May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them!

"I am woman, hear me ROAR!"

On Being Kind

We read Wonder, the novel by R.J. Palacio, out loud to my two oldest kids (second grade and kindergarten boys) these last few weeks. We finished yesterday. In case you've somehow missed it, it's about a boy with severe "craniofacial abnormalities" (so, he apparently has a very unusual appearance) who has never been to school before, but suddenly starts middle school. The novel covers his first year of school and what happens to him there. I thought it was a great book. Maybe not 100% realistic, but believable enough and very good. Not only because my kids appeared to enjoy the story, but because I thought it provided some insight into bullying, being different, and what it means to be human. And we were able to have a few good discussions about it. My kindergartener might be a little young to absorb much from it at this point; on the other hand, he sometimes surprises me with what he picks up on. My oldest I think is starting to understand the complexity of friendships and social interactions more; I think he was able to gain a little perspective.

Anyway, I digress. The point was, I liked the book, thought it was a good read for all of us, and so I thought other families might enjoy it too. So I shared briefly about it on Facebook.

And I got some supportive comments. Some "we liked that book (or movie) too!" comments. Some "Oh yeah we should definitely do that too!" comments. Some passive "likes" or "heart-reactions" that must convey some level of agreement. Some comments from teachers or other educators (I know quite a few) who have read it in their classrooms.

And the vast majority of people who read that status update ignored it. Which is totally fine.  It's not going to be for everyone.

But, and perhaps this was a coincidence... later in the day I started seeing a variety of memes popping up about how we are "raising a generations of wimps" and "bullying will always be around so teach your kids to stand up for themselves instead of being victims" etc etc. One from someone who has, in the past, informed me that I can't expect people to cater to my allergy kid's needs. (Which is annoying on several levels, but mainly because I do NOT expect that, by the way. I just find it unbelievably nice when people voluntarily do. But anyway. We won't hop down this particular rabbit trail today.) I think the thought was that I need to make him "strong" enough to deal with not getting what all the other kids get because the world won't cater to him. (Which is again ridiculous, he definitely already knows that.) Anyway, the message I'm getting here from this person is that kindness (or food allergy accommodation) is seen as "weak".

That is such a bunch of... words I won't write here... that I don't even know where to begin.

Why on Earth would anyone think kindness is the weaker attribute?

I will tell you right now, it takes great personal strength to be kind. I have three children. I can tell you that while they can, naturally, be kind to each other, they can also (quite naturally) be complete and utter jerks to each other. They lack impulse control, and their impulses are often selfish and kind of mean: "I'll take this toy you want," "I'll get more candy than you." (They can also be nice, of course- they often spend some of their birthday money on toys for each other, for instance). To be kind, they've got to override their natural selfishness and see the big picture: that ultimately, life goes more smoothly if your siblings are happy, too. They see this more clearly as they get older, of course.

Adults are this way too. It's one thing to be casually polite to people you interact with; this is common sense and makes your life easier. It's another thing to be deliberately kind to someone who is maybe not being so nice to you. Or isn't being anything to you at all. We rarely put our own selves in uncomfortable situations simply to be kind to someone else. (I mean I'm not saying this never happens- obviously I can think of plenty of exceptions- but I don't think it's the norm.) Most of us aren't mean or bad people- we just don't willingly put ourselves into uncomfortable situations to help someone else, at least not very often. Those who do it more often seem to have found there's often there's a 'feel-good benefit' from being in that 'uncomfortable situation' - being thanked or appreciated for their effort, for instance.

But it does take effort. It takes effort to go out of your way to be nice to someone. It's even harder when they're actively making things hard for you. Being kind to someone in the face of meanness, from others or the person themselves, is one of the hardest things, across ALL ages, for people to do.

And so I have no idea why you would say that teaching kids to be kind (because I do believe you have to actively teach it) makes them weak. A generation of "wimps".

No it doesn't, random internet meme creator. Actually, teaching them to be kind makes them strong. Teaching them to be kind makes them more powerful. Teaching them to be kind is teaching them to make the unselfish choice that might not get them any immediate benefit but will develop their strength of character immensely down the road. Teaching them to be kind gives them a position of power that won't be immediately recognized but will reap all sorts of rewards in the long haul. And who knows? It may also help someone who is otherwise drowning. It may reap more benefits than beyond just themselves and their immediate situation. Kindness can stop a bully. Kindness can empower a person.

This does not mean you have to roll over and take it if someone is being mean to you. But standing up for yourself and being kind to other people are not opposite solutions to the same problem; they are two different solutions that can be applied simultaneously to a problem if needed. Learning how to deal with problems without moving into attacking someone else is a much better way to avoid "raising a generation of wimps" than a bunch of eye-for-an-eye, tit-for-tat scenarios.

I didn't leave any comments for the meme-posters. They don't care what I have to say anyway, and Facebook feels sort of useless / hopeless as a place for actual thoughtful discussion. They've got me pegged as a snowflake, and that's fine with me. Better a snowflake than a jerk, after all. Maybe some day we can engage about this issue in real life. In the meantime, I will keep teaching my kids to be kind. I guess we'll see how it all works out eventually.

Motherhood, Friendship, Faith

My three greatest struggles in my life. Probably the three things that define me the most, as well. Or maybe the three things I define myself with?

For pretty much my entire motherhood journey so far, I have been trying to be a better mom.

Less strict. Less yelly. More savoring of moments. More enjoying the kids, instead of stress over mess and slightly-less-than-ideal behavior.

It's been better at times and worse at times. It's obviously hugely tied to my anxiety and how strong that is at any given time.

I took this picture this morning with my big camera, using the wifi shutter remote on my phone. It looks like a sweet moment and I guess it really was. But it's because she's sick, not because she wanted to cuddle me or because we just sit around like this all the time. I didn't realize she was sick at first, and was frustrated with how clingy she was... until I decided to take pictures and make the best of it.  

It's interesting, because I can't really even figure out what it is that I get anxious about. I do tend to catastrophize over potential illnesses or health conditions, but I've gotten decently good at talking myself down off those ledges over the years. Clutter and mess make me anxious, but at least that I have some control over and I can make my family help with that more and more as they get older. Overall I'd say my house is generally cleaner in the last two years than it has been (on average) at any time at all before, basically because I've got more useful tools that make it quicker, and because of things we've done to the house (aka the Giant Kitchen Remodel, or room reorganizations) that make it more functional. So it's not just the clutter, although we have a long way to go before I'd consider it "clean".  In general, I'd say my kids themselves are good, or at least average-to-good, in terms of their  behavior, in public and at home. Well, maybe not the two-year-old. But she'll get there. Anyway, I feel like they are good kids (who are going to have Tons of Issues as adults from being "overparented" by yours truly).  So I don't think they are really the "problem" here either.

It's possible I'm just very bad at identifying my own issues.

I seem to have issues with friendship, too. It's interesting. As a child, teen and even young adult ( heck probably all the way through college) most of the people I wound up close to eventually told me they had tried to be friends with me for awhile (prior to us actually becoming friends) but that I was not friendly, or did not reciprocate their efforts. It honestly happened enough times that, as a young married woman with no close friends in the immediate area, I tried to be intentional about changing that.

At first it was relatively easy, my husband had some friends from his high school days who were mostly childless and recently married like us, and we all just sort of fell into a group.

Then people started having kids (including us) and since we all lived all over town, and it's harder to get together the more small people you add to the mix, the group just sort of fell apart. It was okay, though. We were all very different people anyways, and it's not like we're not still in touch or don't like to see each other. We just don't hang out in a big group anymore.

But being a young mom, even one who works, left me very desperate to connect with other women, particularly other moms. At first I mostly read blogs. Hung out with a few coworkers (when schedules allowed) who had similarly-aged kids. I like these women a lot. But a lot of the time, I was sort of lonely.

Then my oldest started school and it was SO GREAT. I connected with a few ladies who were in a similar stage of life. One moved away. But one is still here, and she's the best. I've slowly gotten to know other moms whose kids are my kids' friends. I've enjoyed it. But this part is hard. I seem to struggle with figuring out when I'm being friendly and encouraging (the opposite of my former self!) or just pushy and annoying. I mean, it's quite possible that people just don't WANT to be friends with me. Which is cool, I have enough self confidence not to take it personally. But I don't want to bother people if they'd rather keep their distance.

I think my other issue is that I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. It's hard to make friends in our church because 1) we don't go often enough (It's so hard with little kids. We're up to like 1-2x a month though!) and 2) I hold back. My issues with church are complicated, but basically, I am just waiting for the church to tell me I don't belong there. It's happened too many times since my teenage years for me not to KNOW it's coming. While my faith in God is actually quite strong, I don't really trust the "Christian Machine" (as described by Jenn Hatmaker) not to spit me out the second it realizes that I might occasionally (okay more than occasionally) causally swear, am politically more liberal than conservative, and I don't think gay people are this big abomination that we need to fear and ostracize. So, in order to not go through the pain of being spit out, I just don't dive fully in. Have you seen the movie Saved! ? It has Mandy Moore in it, back when she was young enough to play a high schooler. My "test" as to whether or not another Christian would "get" me, is whether they think that movie is hilarious or offensive. (Hint: I'm camp "Hilarious." With a side of "Also very true."). And I honestly suspect people who find it offensive are so far into the "Christian Machine" that they can't see the reality in that movie. In my life, I meet more Christians who were offended than who love it.

But I can't pretend for my secular friends that I just don't have faith, or that I think babies are literally nothing before they're born, or that I haven't seen evidence of God working in my life, everywhere. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump is a mindless sheeple. (I think most of them struggled with very real issues and made a hard choice. But the ones who actually think he's a great person and a great choice for President- well, let's not go into what I think about them. I don't know very many.) I don't think it's simple-minded to have religious faith (if I see one more Facebook post about magic sky friends I'll probably throw my phone), or that people who believe in smaller governments are automatically racist, classist, selfish, climate-change-denying, gun-toting weirdos. Nor do I think those on the other end of the spectrum are whiny snowflakes who want a handout. Maybe it's just our political climate these days, because even though I don't care what someone else thinks and feel that, most of the time, we should be able to be friends without seeing eye-to-eye on all issues, I'm positive anyone I even slightly start to get to know, will judge the heck out of me. Or that there's no point in trying to be friends, because they won't actually want to be close to me once they know more about me. I realize this makes no sense. It's just how I feel.

So here I am. Praying (really praying, not metaphorically) that I could figure out how to connect with a few more moms I know and admire, hoping I could be a better mother because of their influence. Praying I can figure out how to be a better mom before my kids grow up. Or are scarred for life. Also praying I could find some sort of church home that I was sure wouldn't spit me out, yet also follows the Bible. (Yes, I've heard of Universalist churches and I LOVE the concept for people who want the community without the Bible part. But I like the Bible part. And I know some denominations are better at this than others. But the few we've gone to in our area have had their issues too.)

I hope I find all these things one day. But until then, I'm happy with who I am. Most of the time.