Motherhood, Friendship, Faith

My three greatest struggles in my life. Probably the three things that define me the most, as well. Or maybe the three things I define myself with?

For pretty much my entire motherhood journey so far, I have been trying to be a better mom.

Less strict. Less yelly. More savoring of moments. More enjoying the kids, instead of stress over mess and slightly-less-than-ideal behavior.

It's been better at times and worse at times. It's obviously hugely tied to my anxiety and how strong that is at any given time.

I took this picture this morning with my big camera, using the wifi shutter remote on my phone. It looks like a sweet moment and I guess it really was. But it's because she's sick, not because she wanted to cuddle me or because we just sit around like this all the time. I didn't realize she was sick at first, and was frustrated with how clingy she was... until I decided to take pictures and make the best of it.  

It's interesting, because I can't really even figure out what it is that I get anxious about. I do tend to catastrophize over potential illnesses or health conditions, but I've gotten decently good at talking myself down off those ledges over the years. Clutter and mess make me anxious, but at least that I have some control over and I can make my family help with that more and more as they get older. Overall I'd say my house is generally cleaner in the last two years than it has been (on average) at any time at all before, basically because I've got more useful tools that make it quicker, and because of things we've done to the house (aka the Giant Kitchen Remodel, or room reorganizations) that make it more functional. So it's not just the clutter, although we have a long way to go before I'd consider it "clean".  In general, I'd say my kids themselves are good, or at least average-to-good, in terms of their  behavior, in public and at home. Well, maybe not the two-year-old. But she'll get there. Anyway, I feel like they are good kids (who are going to have Tons of Issues as adults from being "overparented" by yours truly).  So I don't think they are really the "problem" here either.

It's possible I'm just very bad at identifying my own issues.

I seem to have issues with friendship, too. It's interesting. As a child, teen and even young adult ( heck probably all the way through college) most of the people I wound up close to eventually told me they had tried to be friends with me for awhile (prior to us actually becoming friends) but that I was not friendly, or did not reciprocate their efforts. It honestly happened enough times that, as a young married woman with no close friends in the immediate area, I tried to be intentional about changing that.

At first it was relatively easy, my husband had some friends from his high school days who were mostly childless and recently married like us, and we all just sort of fell into a group.

Then people started having kids (including us) and since we all lived all over town, and it's harder to get together the more small people you add to the mix, the group just sort of fell apart. It was okay, though. We were all very different people anyways, and it's not like we're not still in touch or don't like to see each other. We just don't hang out in a big group anymore.

But being a young mom, even one who works, left me very desperate to connect with other women, particularly other moms. At first I mostly read blogs. Hung out with a few coworkers (when schedules allowed) who had similarly-aged kids. I like these women a lot. But a lot of the time, I was sort of lonely.

Then my oldest started school and it was SO GREAT. I connected with a few ladies who were in a similar stage of life. One moved away. But one is still here, and she's the best. I've slowly gotten to know other moms whose kids are my kids' friends. I've enjoyed it. But this part is hard. I seem to struggle with figuring out when I'm being friendly and encouraging (the opposite of my former self!) or just pushy and annoying. I mean, it's quite possible that people just don't WANT to be friends with me. Which is cool, I have enough self confidence not to take it personally. But I don't want to bother people if they'd rather keep their distance.

I think my other issue is that I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. It's hard to make friends in our church because 1) we don't go often enough (It's so hard with little kids. We're up to like 1-2x a month though!) and 2) I hold back. My issues with church are complicated, but basically, I am just waiting for the church to tell me I don't belong there. It's happened too many times since my teenage years for me not to KNOW it's coming. While my faith in God is actually quite strong, I don't really trust the "Christian Machine" (as described by Jenn Hatmaker) not to spit me out the second it realizes that I might occasionally (okay more than occasionally) causally swear, am politically more liberal than conservative, and I don't think gay people are this big abomination that we need to fear and ostracize. So, in order to not go through the pain of being spit out, I just don't dive fully in. Have you seen the movie Saved! ? It has Mandy Moore in it, back when she was young enough to play a high schooler. My "test" as to whether or not another Christian would "get" me, is whether they think that movie is hilarious or offensive. (Hint: I'm camp "Hilarious." With a side of "Also very true."). And I honestly suspect people who find it offensive are so far into the "Christian Machine" that they can't see the reality in that movie. In my life, I meet more Christians who were offended than who love it.

But I can't pretend for my secular friends that I just don't have faith, or that I think babies are literally nothing before they're born, or that I haven't seen evidence of God working in my life, everywhere. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump is a mindless sheeple. (I think most of them struggled with very real issues and made a hard choice. But the ones who actually think he's a great person and a great choice for President- well, let's not go into what I think about them. I don't know very many.) I don't think it's simple-minded to have religious faith (if I see one more Facebook post about magic sky friends I'll probably throw my phone), or that people who believe in smaller governments are automatically racist, classist, selfish, climate-change-denying, gun-toting weirdos. Nor do I think those on the other end of the spectrum are whiny snowflakes who want a handout. Maybe it's just our political climate these days, because even though I don't care what someone else thinks and feel that, most of the time, we should be able to be friends without seeing eye-to-eye on all issues, I'm positive anyone I even slightly start to get to know, will judge the heck out of me. Or that there's no point in trying to be friends, because they won't actually want to be close to me once they know more about me. I realize this makes no sense. It's just how I feel.

So here I am. Praying (really praying, not metaphorically) that I could figure out how to connect with a few more moms I know and admire, hoping I could be a better mother because of their influence. Praying I can figure out how to be a better mom before my kids grow up. Or are scarred for life. Also praying I could find some sort of church home that I was sure wouldn't spit me out, yet also follows the Bible. (Yes, I've heard of Universalist churches and I LOVE the concept for people who want the community without the Bible part. But I like the Bible part. And I know some denominations are better at this than others. But the few we've gone to in our area have had their issues too.)

I hope I find all these things one day. But until then, I'm happy with who I am. Most of the time.